Final Rating: 1/10

Blurb:

Achilles, “the best of all the Greeks,” son of the cruel sea goddess Thetis and the legendary king Peleus, is strong, swift, and beautiful, irresistible to all who meet him. Patroclus is an awkward young prince, exiled from his homeland after an act of shocking violence. Brought together by chance, they forge an inseparable bond, despite risking the gods’ wrath.

They are trained by the centaur Chiron in the arts of war and medicine, but when word comes that Helen of Sparta has been kidnapped, all the heroes of Greece are called upon to lay siege to Troy in her name. Seduced by the promise of a glorious destiny, Achilles joins their cause, and torn between love and fear for his friend, Patroclus follows. Little do they know that the cruel Fates will test them both as never before and demand a terrible sacrifice.

Review:

WARNING: A LOT OF RANTING AND AGGRESSIVE TYPING BELOW. AND ALSO MAJOR SPOILERS ON THE BOOK.

I think I deserve some kind of reward. Yes, I truly believe I do.

This book was the most gruesome, brain-cell mushing marathon. The only reason why I gritted my teeth and forced my way through the most mind-numbing chapters was because I had already put down two books so far this year (Fourth Wing and The Weed That Strings the Hangman’s Bag), and I would not appreciate myself if I put down a third.

Damn, my stubborn brain. How could I choose to torture myself over being a bit behind in my reading goal?

1. Patroclus

Let’s first talk about the narrator of this book. Patroclus is described to be “an awkward young prince, exiled from his homeland after an act of shocking violence.” I was disappointed to find out that this blurb of Patroclus doesn’t even scratch the surface of how unbearable he is.

Patroclus grew up under Menoitius, a king, who showed him nothing but disappointment. Therefore, Patroclus slowly became a silent boy who let his father do the talking for him, which was honestly great news for me because Patroclus never had anything worth saying. Yes, I know this is a rather heartless thing to state, but it is, unfortunately, very true.

“Even I knew it was my turn to speak. ‘I am Patroclus, son of Menoitius.’ My voice sounded high, and scratchy with disuse. ‘I come here as a suitor for Helen. My father is a king and the son of kings.’ I had no more to say. My father had not instructed me; he had not thought Tyndareus would ask me to speak.”

Yes, I know that is a part of Patroclus’ personality, however, I find it absolutely mind-boggling why anyone would choose Patroclus to be the narrator of the story. He has no opinions, no wonders, or strong thoughts that get the reader thinking. He only has an unhealthy obsession with Achilles.

These are Patroclus’ thoughts when he watches Achilles murder people one after the other without a second glance on the battlefield:

“I could not even see the ugliness of the deaths anymore, the brains, the shattered bones that later I would wash from my skin and hair. All I saw was his beauty, his singing limbs, the quick flickering of his feet.”

If that isn’t an unhealthy obsession for someone, then I don’t know what is.

What was even more disturbing for me, is that Patroclus finally grew out of his shell only during the war, but didn’t manage to say anything of help to Deidameia, Achilles’ bride and the woman that has his child (I’ll explain this mess-of-a-story later), when she was hurting for days from loneliness and betrayal after she realized that Achilles loves Patroclus and has absolutely zero interest in her, despite marrying her and having her child (which he did simply on a whim for Patroclus as well. I mean, excuse me???). He kind of just watches her try to hide her suffering and her anger by “almost” (ALMOST?) passively reminding Achilles to “be a little kinder to her”.

This is the exact quote:

“She [Deidameia] did not know that I almost asked him, a hundred times, to be a little kinder to her.”

Well, thank you for ALMOST openly giving her some sympathy, Patroclus. I’m glad you are so aware and brave to be able to speak your mind to your lover who will literally do anything for you no matter what you ask (This is not an exaggeration. Achilles let Patroclus step in as him in the war because Patroclus begged him to. But Achilles still didn’t choose Patroclus over his own pride in the end. So I guess he’ll do anything Patroclus asks as long as it doesn’t bite his pride and honor in the ass. Good to know).

Oh, and now here’s the really gross part. Deidameia asks Patroclus to make love with her because Achilles doesn’t even glance at her, even though she bears his child, and is his wife. She finds herself lonely and full of sorrow. She feels empty and asks Patroclus to help her feel whole.

Patroclus knows he can’t give her what she needs, because he loves Achilles and doesn’t love her. He knows that having sex with her won’t make her happy. And also, having sex with the woman that has your lover’s child is messed up. But because he’s a pushover and cannot fight against those who insist, he lets her make love to him, and even tries to please her by making “sounds of pleasure” so she won’t be hurt by his indifference.

Let me just hurl over this curb for a second.

So, yeah, how did a person that acts like a limp noodle attract someone, Achilles, out of the blue? I still don’t know, to this day, why Achilles even likes Patroclus. Does he have an attraction to opinionless, obsessed followers? This is Achilles’ explanation for why he finds Patroclus interesting.

“I had nothing to offer such a prince. Why, then, had he made a charity case of me? Peleus and I both waited for his answer.

‘He is surprising.’

I looked up, frowning. If he thought so, he was the only one.”

For once, Patroclus, I wholeheartedly agree with you.

And, a reminder, this is Achilles’ answer after Patroclus watches Achilles play the lyre for an entire music lesson instead of trying to learn anything himself. Yes, Patroclus indeed sounds very surprising. Yes, I was so surprised when Patroclus insisted that only I should play the lyre for the rest of the music lesson.

Now, the war. Patroclus swore an oath when he was young to defend Helen’s husband against all who would take her from him. However, the moment Helen is taken to Troy against Menelaus’, Helen’s husband, will, and as a result, Menelaus declares war on Troy and that oath is taken into effect, Patroclus doesn’t take responsibility for the oath he made. He tries to weasel out of going to the war by telling Achilles’ father, a king, that he doesn’t want to go. He keeps on reminding the reader that he is not fit for fighting. But that’s not the part that disgusts me. It’s fine to not be good for war and fighting, it’s okay. I just hate how Patroclus tries to escape the war even though he swore an oath to help Menelaus and runs away from his responsibilities.

Yes, going into a war is scary and dangerous, especially if you are not capable of defending yourself, but at least hold yourself responsible for your choices and find a way to survive! Don’t just give up and run or hide when things get hard, which Patroclus does to nearly all of his problems until the end of the book, when he finally does something against Achilles when Achilles becomes selfish and apathetic. But of course, Patroclus didn’t really do anything or confront Achilles about his dangerous and honestly concerning behavior until the very last moment, which led to everyone’s death and misfortune. So, yeah, thanks a lot, Patroclus.

Patroclus had all the power in this book. He could’ve changed this book’s depressing ending into something more satisfactory for all of the characters in this book, but he didn’t. Of course, it’s not all of his fault, but his choices have certainly led his life and his loved ones into despair.

2. Achilles

Now, let’s talk about this motherf*cker for a moment. This man is described to be “‘the best of all Greeks,’ son of the cruel sea goddess Thetis and the legendary king Peleus” and he’s “strong, swift, and beautiful-irresistible to all who meet him.”

I feel so bad for the people who met him.

All he ever did to the people who knew them was ruin their lives and then say “I’m sorry” very briefly before he left them forever. That is exactly what he did to Deidemeia, whom I mentioned earlier when I was dissing Patroclus. As a reminder, he MARRIED her and literally got her PREGNANT. And do you know what the reason behind him doing all of that was for?

Let’s start at the beginning of this crazy story, shall we?

Achilles is sent to this island, Scyros, where a king and his daughter live. His mother sent him there so he wouldn’t be killed when fighting in the war because she heard a prophecy that if he fought in the war against Troy, he’d be killed. The king, King Lycomedes, and his daughter, Deidemeia, take him in and Achilles has to pretend to be a woman to hide away.

Patroclus wasn’t told about Achilles’ whereabouts, and since neither person can live without the other, they are trying desperately to be reunited. Patroclus threatens King Peleus, Achilles’ dad, for Achilles’ whereabouts, while Achilles marries Deidemeia and has her child because his mother told him that if he’d do that, she’d tell Patroclus where he is.

HE MARRIES HER AND HAS HER BABY BECAUSE HE THINKS HIS MOTHER WOULD TELL PATROCLUS HIS LOCATION.

And his mother, by the way, Hates, yes Hates with a capital H, Patroclus. And that never went through Achilles’ mind at all. And, guess what? Surprise! Achilles’ mother never told Patroclus where Achilles was! Patroclus had to find out all by himself! Wow, wasn’t that marriage and sex totally worth it?

And then, instead of taking responsibility for marrying Deidemeia and getting her pregnant, Achilles doesn’t even look at her once when Patroclus comes to the island. As any normal person would, Deidemeia feels betrayed and tricked, but Achilles does absolutely nothing for her mental health and well-being.

Then, because Deidemeia has to go under house arrest, alone with only her servants so she can give birth to Achilles’ child safely, she will not have her husband or her father to help her during her pregnancy.

And even worse, Achilles’ mother decides to take her child, a son, once he’s weaned. So Deidemeia has lost her husband and her child.

This is how Achilles breaks the news and apologizes to Deidemeia’s father, not even to Deidemeia herself:

“‘She [Achilles’ mother, Thetis] wishes to raise him herself. She-‘ Achilles faltered before the look on the old man’s face. ‘The child will be a boy, she says. When he is weaned, she will claim him.’

Silence. Then Lycomedes closed his eyes. I knew he was thinking of his daughter, arms empty of both husband and child. ‘I wish you had never come,’ he said.

‘I’m sorry,’ Achilles said.”

Thanks for the apology, Achilles, but if you were really sorry, you would’ve at least feigned interest in Deidemeia at least until she was sent away, but you didn’t even try to.

Now, back to the war, Achilles only agreed to lead the army when his own life was threatened to be . . . wait for it . . . mundane and ordinary if he did not agree to fight and use his gifts. Oh my goodness, how terrible. Imagine not being famous or having a title or a plot of land to conquer.

3. The Pacing

This book was slow, dull, and incredibly unremarkable. If I had a dollar for every time I had to skim and check my progress through the book every time I flipped a page, I’d be rich.

This is why I hated Patroclus’ narration. If I read a paragraph one more time about how perfect Achilles is with his beautiful blond, shining hair and his rippling, lean muscles and how he looks like a perfectly crafted statue and blah blah blah.

The only time when the pacing was okayish, not even good or okay, but okayish, is at the very end, where the tragedy starts. And the tragedy starts the moment Patroclus dies and he has less to think about how broody and good-looking Achilles is or how he doesn’t know what the hell is going on during the war and more about how he’s a restless spirit as he watches over Achilles as he drives himself to defeat.